I haven't felt like myself lately.
I just don't feel like "me."
Something is off, but I'm not quite sure what.
I haven't written on my blog in 2 years. I still love to write and journal regularly, but I feel that healing is best when we share it with others. Holds us more accountable. I'll admit it - I've been struggling lately. I've been doing much self reflection and starting to piece things about myself that I don't like.
It's not that I hate myself, but rather that I don't like the person I am right now. I often find myself being pulled in directions that I'd usually avoid or having intrusive thoughts on repeat. I tell myself that something is off, but yet I don't have the energy to change it. There's a force blocking my path and I need to knock it down. Be unstoppable.
I'm currently sitting here writing and sipping on my sleepy time tea. It's so relaxing and brings me piece after a long day. I'm finishing off a four day weekend, which was much needed, but still not enough. It's not my job that's affecting me because I love what I do. I haven't felt so needed at a job my entire life. It's actually a career that's going to take me places.
I've been struggling with my health, but I'm working on that. I have a couple procedures (nothing life threatening) scheduled in a month and a half to finally get some answers. I'll be happy to finally lose some weight and fit into my clothes again.
I've been making some major decisions to cut out things in my life that just aren't good for me. Number 1 is alcohol. I don't like the way it makes me feel physically or mentally. I used to drink beer regularly until it made me sick, then I switched to canned cocktails. I tend to drink too many canned drinks (at least for my body) when I'm out with friends. It's easy to get in the groove and keep going. Not only do I hate myself the next day, but it's also expensive. Now I'm only sticking to the occasional glass of wine and mock tails. I've actually been finding some really good ones lately that don't leave you feeling icky.
I've always eaten healthy, but I'm getting back on my health plan. It's not a specific diet, but rather foods that worked for me. It's just breakfast, but everyday I will either have a green juice, smoothie, or avocado toast. These were always easiest on my digestive system and helped combat bloating. I'm saying no to the weekly McDonalds breakfast or donuts that are given to us at work. Just because it's there, that doesn't mean you have to eat it.
Money affects most of us. We often just have enough and are barely getting by. It sucks, especially in your 20's as you're still trying to figure out life. It's okay to not be rich, have your own business, be married, or have 2 kids because everyone is on a different timeline. I still struggle with finances since I'm in grad school. I don't want to talk about my debt, but it's there. I switched careers. I tried different options. I'm interested in multiple avenues and that's okay. It takes time to figure out your life. As long as you have goals and dreams, you can achieve anything you set your mind to.
I'm not perfect by any means. I actually just spilled my tea on myself (thankfully it's not hot anymore), but that's okay. I'm human and I make mistakes too. I might not always know what I want for myself, but that's okay. Being able to self reflect is powerful enough. I always wanted to use this platform as a positive space, so that's what I'm going to do. We'll learn together, grow together, and be each other's big sister when we need it most.
I deleted many of my old blog posts that didn't align with my blog anymore, but still kept the pieces I was proud of. It's okay to start over and need a change. It's okay to grow up and need something new. I love to write and I always have. Once I dreamed about being a professional writer for a magazine, but realized I had the wrong degree for it. Now I just push myself to inspire others and motivate. Be a leader. Be a voice for those who can't speak up. Spread kindness like confetti.
It's okay to feel lost. It's okay to feel out of place right now. Just remember to always be authentically you along the way. 🤍